September 7 of this year will mark my 28th birthday -- May of next year will mark my 10 year high school reunion. So why am I mentioning these 2 things? Quite simply because I'm almost 30 years old and most days I'm still unsure of who I truly am.
I can still remember sitting with my classmates on graduation day and wondering where I would be in 10 years. I can tell you my vision didn't include 3 children and me being jobless. I assumed I'd be married for sure, and possibly have 1 kid, but 3 -- I would have probably laughed in your face because I was one that was always saying you'd be lucky to get one kid out of me.
I knew I would be a college graduate, but I was hoping to have had a Master's degree by now and I figured I would have this incredible job that I could be proud of. I would have never imagined that the economy would be in the shape it's in today and that jobs seemed virtually impossible to land.
Don't get me wrong on the mommy thing. I love my kids, and from the minute Noah was placed in my arms my whole perspective on kids and motherhood changed almost immediately. It was at that point I knew I wanted 3, but there again I never imagined my last 2 pregnancies would be so rough -- especially the 3rd!
I have always battled with low self-esteem. That stems from being bullied all the way up until the day I graduated. People in school were pretty awful to me and called me terrible names, or in grade school made fun of my hair, etc. I was labeled as a fat kid, I had one group of guys in high school try to label me as a lesbian, say I looked like a man, or call me names like "Ape." -- and the thing about it is, I'm friends with a majority of them now online and they either have completely forgotten how they treated me, or they didn't realize the impact it had on my life. Furthermore 90% of them have, thankfully grown up and act a lot more mature, but I think a lot of people don't realize the impact that words can have on a person. The sadder thing is through all of this my mom tried to encourage me to be strong, believe in myself and that I was a beautiful person, but for whatever reason I just never listened. I was always afraid standing up to them would make things harder on me and the longer I let them beat me down, the more damage it did to me as a whole.
I always felt like the outcast in school, and when I graduated, I was determined to change that. I lost a bunch of weight following graduation, went on to college, made a completely new set of friends, met my husband and got my degree.
A few years into my relationship with a guy (who is now my husband) I remember him telling me how beautiful I was. I laughed in his face, confusing him obviously, and I went on to tell him about how I felt about myself. I couldn't believe he even wanted to date me because I thought I was so ugly. He of course at this point thought I was crazy and wanted to know where all this was coming from.
During all this, I started working at a mental health facility when one day I was talking with one of my co-workers, a therapist, about my outlook on life, myself, and my body. I told her how for years I had always felt like a fat, ugly, "manly" looking girl and felt like I could never be the person I truly wanted to be. It was at this point she told me I clearly had a body image disorder.
I've spent the past few years trying to change my outlook on life, and figure out who I really am. I have spent too many years either letting people beat me down to feeling like nothing or trying to be someone I wasn't. Since the birth of my daughter, I am more determined than ever to discover my true self. I want her to grow up stronger than I was. To learn that beauty isn't all superficial and that true beauty comes from within. I want her to see that I'm proud of who I am and that people can take it or leave it. More than that, I want to establish a relationship with God and I want her to see my closeness to him. I want her to learn to rely on him for strength and guidance.
It will take a while, but I know in time I will figure out who I am and what God truly wants me to do with my life.
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